The Mound - #30 - Productivity Hackers
Welcome to The Mound, a weekly newsletter in which we at Good One Creative pitch— for free — our solutions to the world’s problems.
At a lunch hosted by a friend last year, I admitted to a group of apparent intellectuals (velvet blazers, cravats, pins etc.) that I'm the sort of person to measure and to optimise his day-to-day activities; I write lists and I keep score. Upon hearing this, one of the men chortled, almost choked on his wine and said:
"Oh, that's so gauche!"
The other diners all chortled and, feeling my cheeks get warm, I chortled too. It wasn't until about 20 minutes later, in the bathroom of that restaurant, that a quick search for the definition of 'gauche' revealed that I had been insulted, that, unless he was accusing me of being left-handed in French, I was a tactless and unsophisticated creature.
Sitting there, knock-kneed in the bathroom stall, my narrowed eyes and ice-cold visage illuminated by the phone screen (a child had turned the bathroom light off), I felt this was the beginning of a new chapter in my life. This was, perhaps, my origin story.
Since then we at Good One Creative have turned our eye to becoming the most productive people in this country. Indeed, we have arrived to 2024 with the resolution to show that cravat-rack of a man that no one insults a Good One in French! (Unless they are French and we have insulted or inconvenienced them, that's fine.) This year we are going to eliminate as much wasted time as possible.
Here's how we fix it:
Charlie has decided to kick things off with a pretty bold move, forswearing any solids this year lest he waste another second chewing on his food. It's soups, broths, smoothies, and yoghurt only for our lad this year. Your move, Clemenger.
Tom, having spent so much of his time last year visiting clients across the country, will no longer be working from our office on Collins Street or even living at his home in Carlton. Nay, seeing the Tommy-Gun this year will require a trip to Tullamarine Airport - where a secret knock upon the broom closet by the escalators will reveal to you Australia's most pine-scented advertising executive. (Side note: please do not refer to him as "Tommy-Gun" at the airport. Doctor says the next time he gets tased could be his last.)
Me, I've come up with a plan to save time on content. Seeing as every film, TV show, or book is really just a re-work of an earlier tale, I'm going to read the earliest written tale of which we know, The Epic of Gilgamesh, which should then allow me to watch and listen to everything that's been produced since at about 10-15x speed and still ‘get the gist’ of what’s going on. As for social or short-form content, I've taken the liberty of getting myself permanently banned from every single social platform. (Don't ask how, it's much too gauche for public knowledge.)
As our loved ones, we'd be thrilled if you, too, would join us on this mission to kick this year's rear and to eliminate any activity from your life that does not return value to the shareholders. To evaluate whether an action is worthy of undertaking, simply ask yourself the question, do I want to do this? If the answer is Yes, save it for retirement!
Happy new year, gauche-bags. We're so back!
You're welcome, Australia.
