The Mound - #31 - Nonno Albo
Welcome to The Mound, a weekly newsletter in which we at Good One Creative pitch— for free — our solutions to the world’s problems.
What is the sound of one hand clapping?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, what noise does it make?
And how, pray tell, does it hit the ear when Labor provides relief to Australian households without giving them money to spend?
Tomorrow Labor MPs will meet in Canberra to discuss the details of the soon-to-be-released cost of living package. The real issue is of course that any direct, monetary relief given to Australians will more than likely fuel inflation. Add to this Labor's waning popularity and we now have all the ingredients for a little cocktail we like to call "The Most Expensive Drink in the World".
Here's how we fix it:
You won't read this in the AFR, but it turns out that life costs more than money. It costs time, hair, values, and patience. It takes from us loved ones and parking spots, our socks one-at-a-time and our dreams in just one go. Now, despite what SkyNews says, none of this is Mr. Albanese's fault; but in his hands he holds the power to relieve, if only he and the gang can get their eyes off the cheese for just a second and realise that more than a windfall, we really just need a win.
RELIEF PITCH #1
Valentine's Day is coming up, an excellent opportunity to get some love off your chest and to connect with your fellow man. But what about those with no love to give? What if the Government declared Feb 15 a day for enemies, when I could drop a card onto the desk of a co-worker and proudly proclaim my hatred for them? If we all agree to make our cards at home - with real hate - then not even newsagents will benefit from this holiday; and we'll all feel that much lighter for telling Sebastian from Accounts how we really feel.
RELIEF PITCH #2
Australian rugby is a bit of a mess. So why don't we just institute some sort of reverse Hunger Games this year and force the politicians to face the All Blacks instead? Sure, streaming companies will profit from the increased viewership but the drain of parliament's collective medical bill should pretty much even things out.
RELIEF PITCH #3
Why are we skimping on the fireworks? Everyone that's not a dog loves them and yet we reserve them only for "special occasions". Come Wintertime, let's set them off at 6PM every Friday and end the week in style. Plus, if we get them from my guy in Footscray, absolutely none of that cash will ever see a bank again.
RELIEF PITCH #4
Mandate that pubs give patrons at least 30 minutes notice before an acoustic guitarist takes stage. You could fill the Murray River with the pints abandoned due to such callous ambush-ery. It's just wasteful.
RELIEF PITCH #5
And whilst we're at it, if 'The Shape of You' by Ed Sheeran starts playing over the speakers at Coles, I'm legally allowed to shoplift.
RELIEF PITCH #6
The assumption by everyone is that, if you give us some cash, we'll spend it. What if - and hear me out - the Government just, you know, asked us not to?
What if, like Nonno, the Prime Minister came up to us all one-by-one, pulled us in for a hug and surreptitiously stuck a wad of twenties into our hands?
"But Tony - what about inflation?"
"Shhh! Mi bello, don't tell Chalmers, eh? And, listen to me now, don't spend it all at once."
You're welcome, Australia.
