The Mound - #32 - The Economics of Paranoia
Welcome to The Mound, a weekly newsletter in which we at Good One Creative pitch— for free — our solutions to the world’s problems.
Researchers reckon only 10% of the medical tests being sold online to Australians offer any clinical utility. In other words, perfectly healthy people are paying up to $2000 to measure things that cannot or should not be measured. Some of the more common scams claim to measure bone health, feritlity status, and folks' biological age; and the very worst offenders are testing for conditions that are not recognised by the medical community.
"Hey, Doc! It's me, Ligma. From high school!"
Patti Shih from the Australian Centre for Health Engagement, Evidence and Values says consumers need to ask themselves "why do I actually need this test". But Freddie Young from Good One Creative says "What the hell is that thing on your neck? Oh my god, that's revolting. Are you dying?"
Here's how we fix it:
Now, I am of course just a lowly proprieter of various, serpentine secretions, but I reckon doctors talk a pretty big game - especially for a bunch of folk whose every single patient either has died or will die very soon. Personally, I am of the belief that, until they improve upon their 100% failure rate, they should leave us at the Confidence-Convention (ConCon) alone.
That's right, we're officially getting out of advertising: Good One Creative is now They're Coming, They're Coming Inc. and we are beyond nervous to share with you our new range of products, all of them designed specifically to cure you of your existential woes.
Quick - did you remember to turn the stove off? In all honesty, it doesn't matter what you think because the last time you left it on, you could've sworn you'd turned it off. You can't trust yourself to execute this most basic task - but it's fine, because now you don't have to! The Gaslight (TM) is a minature state-of-the-art surveillance system specifically designed to fit above and to withstand the heat of your stovetop, which is definitely still going by the way. The video streams right to your phone, so you can live in a never-ending state of evidence-based, fact-checked calm.
TRANSMISSION INTERUPTED
You'll note The Mound is a few days late. We're sorry for that - but it's been a hell of a ride.
My intention was to finish this week's edition on Monday evening, approximately 12,000 feet or metres (I don't know) above sea level on our way to Sydney to visit some clients. Jetstar being what it is, the flight got cancelled and we were sent home at 10PM. Charlie was kind enough to host all of Good One at his place for the night, so that we could make the 6AM replacement flight with minimal grief. For the first time in a while, I slept in a bunk-bed. Climbing into the sheets, I noticed the grit between my face and the pillow case, and then asked if this pillow had been taken to the beach recently. It hadn't.
Halfway to Avalon the next morning, I wondered why Jetstar had not sent a text, asking me to check-in online. Further investigation revealed that one of us had booked the flights for Thursday instead (not Tuesday). We booked another set of replacement flights that, thankfully, would still get us to the workshop on-time, albeit with four hours sleep and zero seconds shower.
I actually had a lot of fun at the workshop. Sometimes you wonder if you spend too much time thinking about work - and then you get into a room with a bunch of people who also spend too much time thinking about work, and you think, 'Yep, work's actually great. What else am I going to think about? The state of things? Yuck.'
Back at the AirBnB I took something of a heroic position and volunteered for the couch.
My dearest readers of The Mound: Never, ever volunteer for the couch.
No air-con, yes mosquitoes, yes early morning construction and the collection of a billion bottles from the billion apartments outside my window in Manly.
More work, more meetings. All good fun.
So here we are. We're sitting at the Forrester's Pub somewhere in Surrey Hills, fresh out of a keynote address we delivered to CBA with minimal technical issues. Harriet's just suggested we move to the next pub. That might be the best idea yet seen at The Mound.
Next week we'll return to our regular schedule. Have a wonderful weekend, everyone.
You're welcome, Australia.
