The Mound - #5 - Junk Food Kills
Welcome to The Mound, a weekly newsletter in which we at Good One Creative pitch— for free — our solutions to the world’s problems
From the AFR this morning we’ve learned that Teal MP Dr Sophie Scamps will propose to the federal parliament a ban on junk food advertising between 6am and 9:30pm across radio, television, and social media. “Children are deluged by junk food advertising,” said the Mackellar MP. “We are failing them.”
Whilst Good One vehemently denies ever failing a child, we as ad-people do feel a nagging responsibility to get in there, put our talents to use and to help the little guys out.
Here’s how we fix it.
Banning advertising is, we suppose, a start - but kids are more curious than we give them credit for. If a kid ever looks up from their iPad and out the window of a moving car, they’re likely to see a McDonalds and - believe me - they’ll want to know what’s going on inside that building with the helicopter and playground sticking out of it. Advertising is just one part of the marketing puzzle and just the locations themselves are numerous enough to constitute a large portion of this deluge. Really, even without advertising, the omnipresence of fast food restaurants in Australia dampens one’s hope for our children’s palates.
But, come to think of it, who are these children? These young sods who listen to the radio, who decide that Yes, I’d quite like a McFlurry and then head on down to their local McDonalds? They don’t exist of course - as very few children are even capable of purchasing a meal, let alone driving themselves to McDonalds or to KFC for a life-shortening meal. Dr Scamps is forgetting that, whilst children are perhaps being lured to these establishments by the bright colours, the helicopters, and mass media advertising, it’s ultimately their parents who must be saved from the deluge of pro-McDonalds messaging - the spewing stream of unsolicited testimonials, of true brand love coming in hot from the backseat booster.
“Don’t F*&K with me, Dad! If I don’t eat six nuggets in the next fifteen seconds, I’m going to bite my own hand off and tell the cops YOU did this to me!”
When kids get like this, it can be hard to say No. And so, rather than protecting our children, we should focus on empowering our parents.
We propose that the Government create a radio station that is purpose-built for driving families, the parents of whom might require some help in driving past a fast food restaurant. When a parent of some kids in the back senses they are soon to be passing a roadside McDonalds, they simply tune in:
“Ladies and gentlemen, this just in… a McDonalds on Kellow Street has been taken hostage by a chainsaw gang. The roughly thirty maniacs have disguised themselves as regular employees - and have taken to cutting off the limbs of fathers as they reach out the window of their vehicles for their sons’ and / or daughters’ happy meals.”
From here, all a parent has to do is fumble quickly for the radio, to change the station before looking at a passing street sign and mumbling the strongest word they’re okay with their children learning. A little more weight on the accelerator, until one of the kid’s asks meekly from the back:
“Dad, are we on Kellow Street?”
“Not anymore, sweetheart.”
You’re welcome, Australia.
