The Mound - #6 - Identity Theft

Welcome to The Mound, a weekly newsletter in which we at Good One Creative pitch— for free — our solutions to the world’s problems

In response to data breaches like those experienced by Medibank and Optus customers last year, federal and state ministers have endorsed a scheme they believe should “thwart scammers and hackers” into the future. In a stroke of pure brilliance, the Government is suggesting we simply stop giving companies the stuff that keeps getting stolen. 

“Under the scheme people will only need to share minimal information with businesses, universities and public agencies rather than their full personal details,” the AFR reports.

As it turns out, making sure that it was us - has in fact made it a lot easier to become us. 

“Our approach to identity resilience needs to keep pace with our economic and social activity, and the changing nature of identity crime,” says Cyber Security Minister Clare O’Neil. And we at Good One agree on this point - but frankly we think that more could be done to protect our identities, digital or otherwise. 

Here’s how we fix it. 

Perhaps the most brilliant aspect of the Government’s strategy is that it’s based on a pretty compelling truth: no one really needs to know that much about me. The bouncer at the pub, seeking to know only my age, is instead given my full name, my home address, my birthday, the worst photo ever taken, and proof of my inability to drive a manual. Upon getting to my table and ordering some drinks from the online menu, I am then asked to provide my email, my phone number, and my credit card details. Two hours later, after I’ve finally worked up the courage to inquire after the shandy I ordered, I then realise - to my complete horror - that this is no pub; it’s a caravan in a Kmart parking lot, my lady friend is a mannequin, and my captors have all they need to steal from me my precious, stupid identity. Good luck to them. 

The Government's new scheme will prevent (or perhaps reduce the frequency of) this happening to me. What if, though, we could make identity theft impossible? 

We propose that every citizen of Australia, upon turning 18, be given a new, Government-issued identity. On this, the birthday of your public-facing self, your birth-name becomes, not a secret, but a fact to be known only by the very closest of your friends and family - whilst insurers, the apps on your phone, your landlord, and your dentist will know and address you by your Government name. If any such institution is then corrupted or hacked, you’ll have no need to fear - as the only people who know your name might be your parents and your accountant. Your accountant by the way will have to return to a paper system, granting you access to your money only in-person and only after you’ve whispered the name of your first kiss into the their right or left elbow - whichever one you agreed to on your 18th birthday. 

The extra effort here, if sounds too much, will be off-set by the freedom with which we can lead the rest of our lives. Go ahead - sign petitions with abandon, give your number to the guy at JB HI FI (who needs it for some reason?), and enter your Apple TV password on the big screen at the MCG. It doesn’t matter, because in the event of a theft, you merely torch your public-facing identity and request another be given to you. 

But, Good One, how will my friends find me after that? Won’t it be difficult to stay in touch with those I meet after my 18th birthday?

Ah, friends-shmends. If you like them so much, then tell us. What’s their name?

You’re welcome, Australia.