The Mound - #3 - Plane Packaging
Welcome to The Mound, a weekly newsletter in which we at Good One Creative pitch— for free — our solutions to the world’s problems
Long story short; Qantas and Virgin are hogging the gates and around 10% of their Melbourne-Sydney flights got cancelled in April. Ten percent! To help out consumers, the ACCC are suggesting an independent review and cancellation penalties. Regional Express think they’d do a better job, if Qantas and Virgin would be so kind as to stop giving them wedgies, and Bonza may yet come good - but really? Bonza’s our champion in all this?
The truth is there just isn’t enough competition - not enough for Qantas and Virgin to take their customers seriously.
Here’s how we fix it:
The major airports of Australia should purchase themselves a small fleet and launch their very own, nightmarish airline. Because a slightly cheaper competitor is no competitor at all. We need to pursue an economic class of which the duopoly could never dream, at once educating the sky-faring public and the competing airlines as to what true, true efficiency feels like.
Whilst Qantas and Virgin invest heavily in the maintenance of their fleets and their premium, world-famous brands, the airports’ airline will not - because these guys don’t have customers. They have comrades in the battle for an on-time airline. Leaving Qantas, Virgin, their lounges and their loungers in the dust, we’re going to take to the skies unbranded and thus unbound by the normal (and moral) demands of a service industry.
Aboard On-Time Airline flights there will be no food, no wifi, no flight attendants. It’s just a guy named Rocco with a stick and knuckle tatts. This will be the first airline to outright ban pre-flight announcements from the captain - because who cares how we get to Sydney? Oh, you lost your luggage? You shouldn’t have brought any! And if you’re ever late to board, well, you best leave the airport quickly because Rocco is looking for you, ready to deliver your lifetime ban in the form of a whack to the abdomen.
For a long time now we’ve known that flying, despite all the crooners and the promise of hot towels, is not a glamorous experience. What we, the most frequent of frequent flyers, have failed to make clear, though, is that we do not want a glamorous experience. After all, if I had time to spare, I would’ve got the train.
Folks, go ahead and pop off those seatbelts. For those on the left on the plane, that’s Michael out there driving the stair-car alongside us. We’re gonna ask you to jump, so just forget your belongings and let’s see if we can’t get you to your taxi a few minutes faster.
You’re welcome, ladies and gentlemen.
