The Mound - #10 - The Commonwealth Games

Welcome to The Mound, a weekly newsletter in which we at Good One Creative pitch— for free — our solutions to the world’s problems

Over the weekend, super-Laywer Leon Zwier and his team flew back to Melbourne from London - where he and they were sent by Dan Andrews sent to negotiate our spanking by the hands of Commonwealth Sport. According to reports, it’s estimated the federation will seek between $200 and 250 million for our sudden withdrawal from the hosting responsibilities - but they might ask for more, as whatever we give will most likely be needed to entice Scotland into becoming the Games’ rebound host. 

We’re in a precarious position here, folks. Our reputation is carcass and, though less than the cost of a full banquet, we’re still looking at the bill for a very, very expensive bread basket. 

This reminds me of an old story - that of the Minotaur. Bear with me folks. 

The King of Athens was a pretty shitty bloke. (To be honest, most Kings were back then.) So when - at the Panathenaic Games one year - the prince of Crete, Androgeus, won every event, the King of Athens organised for the prince of Crete to be trampled to death by the Marathonian Bull.

Androgeus’ dad, the King of Crete, was understandably miffed RE: the murder of his son. So the King of Crete threatened to invade Athens - unless the King of Athens, as payback for his Games-based crime, fed 14 young Athenians to the Minotaur. The Minotaur is that half-man, half-bull creature that lived in that labyrinth underneath Crete. The Minotaur was also the King of Crete’s step-son - but that’s another story for another time. Point is, Athens ruined the games - and in apology they sacrificed 14 of their young folk. (They did this every nine years, by the way. But we are truly off-piste now. Forgive me.)

Now I’m by no means suggesting we feed 14 Victorians to the Loch Ness Monster every nine years BUT this age old myth is giving us an idea as to how we could convince Scotland to take the Games from our hands - thereby restoring Victoria’s reputation without breaking the bank. 

Here’s how we fix it:

As much as everyone talks about the honour of hosting the Games, how nice it is to have an excuse to refurbish the Ping Pong centre etc, a city’s motivations for hosting such an event are of course financial. You want tourists, you want trade partners. The Games - be they Commonwealth or Olympic - today serve as advertisements for whoever was dumb or desperate enough to stick their hand up. 

That’s why we did it - and if Scotland says Yes, you better believe they’re hoping to get some more visitors out of it. And that’s exactly what we can offer. Like the Athenians to the Minotaur, we could sacrifice young Australians’ European summers to the labyrinth highways of rural Scotland. 

Not many Aussies are likely to volunteer to have their plans changed like this - so I think we’re just going to have to force it on them. During the peak of our Winter, when the silver birds begin their migration to the North, the Victorian Government will select planes at random, re-directing them at random to Scottish airports such as Aberdeen, Oban, Barra, Stornoway, Dundee, and Wick John O’Groats.

Then Scotland will finally get to share in the gift that - until now - we’ve only shared with their Eastern neighbours: planes and planes and planes-full of uncultured, unappreciative Australians. 

You’re welcome, Scotland.