The Mound - #16 - Qantas, You Broke My Heart
Welcome to The Mound, a weekly newsletter in which we at Good One Creative pitch— for free — our solutions to the world’s problems
Challenging pigeons for their position as ‘Rats of the Sky’, Qantas are now charging customers higher ticket prices for attempting to use COVID-19 flight credits. Anyone found to be cashing in their I.O.U.s from the pandemic can expect to pay up to three times as much for a ticket than if they were to pay using money instead.
This is of course just the latest in a slew of enraging behaviours from the carrier - with their habit of selling tickets to already-cancelled flights, the consequential lawsuit by the ACCC, their protection from Qatar by the federal Government, and their record-breaking profits last financial year ALL contributing to a level of furore the public hasn’t felt for a corporation since SkyNet.
The so-called Spirit of Australia gets favours from the Government whilst we - the actual Australia of Australia - get the bureaucratic equivalent of tasered in our chair for asking if we could please get some cutlery with our meal. And this is part of what stings us so:
This company, through its advertising and by working so closely with the Government, has long helped itself to the wellspring of Australian patriotism - only to go and act so flagrantly in opposition to our nation’s values. Well, at Good One Creative, this simply will not stand, and it certainly will not fly.
Here’s how we fix it:
Qantas in effect married itself to the national identity - which is great actually. Like any confused and left-leaning capitalist, all I want is to move into the suburbs and settle into domestic bliss with a good, Australian company - but in saying “I do… still Australia call Australia home”, Qantas made a promise - the breaking of which should call for some pretty dire consequences.
For example, if Qantas was allowed to access and utilise brand Australia, it only seems fair that, as punishment for breaking their vows, Australia should now get access to brand Qantas.
That’s right Qantas, I want a divorce - and after I’m done keying the side of your car I’m taking half of everything. Welcome to hell, Qantas. I think it’s time you and the world learned the true spirit of Australia - is vengeance.
What we’re proposing is that, until Qantas gets its act together, no Australian citizen can get sued by Qantas for copyright infringement. As revenge for its ill-treatment of our own brand, Australian entrepreneurs should be allowed to take a crowbar to the Qantas brand, to produce and sell Qantas-branded urinal cakes, Qantas-canned dog food - and I should finally be free to stage my one-man production of Qantas: The Musical (just to cancel about one in three shows).
Childish as it may sound, there are many worse options on the table. We could let ourselves be walked all over, or we could start flirting with Qatar. Neither of which appeal much to an Australian audience. No, we just want a little respect from our companies, and for all of them to know, finally, once and for all: Hell hath no fury like a scorned frequent flyers member.
You’re welcome, Australia.
