The Mound - #1 - Victoria’s Budget

Welcome to The Mound, a weekly newsletter in which we at Good One Creative pitch— for free — our solutions to the world’s problems

Reading the AFR in tandem this morning, Charlie, Tom, and myself learned that, like humans, Victoria has a budget. 

From the article we then surmised that property investors are pissed, people are going to lose their jobs, and the housing market will continue its slow descent into Mad Max territories. 

If the lower- and middle-classes are going to lose their jobs, then our absolute priority should be to get them new ones. In doing so, we reckon there’s a way to get this state back on track.  

Here’s how we fix it: 

The State Government sets up a new, secret scheme whereby all those who get laid off over the next couple of years receive training in the ancient art of haunting investment properties. 

The Poltergeist Program gets thousands of unemployed Victorians into new jobs and working from home - albeit, someone else’s. 

As these state-sanctioned spookers move into the basements and the attics of seaside and coastal properties, they put their training to work - knocking ancestral family portraits askew, playing with the settings on house-wide Sonos systems - until these Victorian investors’ teeth start chattering and they’re forced to sell the property at speed and a whopping discount. 

“Forget Summer in Portsea - allons skier en France!”

If we move quick enough, the capital gains tax from all these transactions should go a fair way to squaring our debt before the sudden influx of available properties drives down housing prices. When that happens, the renters of this world can go back to asking their landlords for things like respect… and ceilings. 

You’re welcome, Victoria.